“I Want To Be”
The need and want of you
steals away my breath .
Like dragons fire burning through my chest ,
coursing through my veins .
Tie myself to St. Andrews cross
while crying out your name.
All bound with black tape to learn
life’s a game of make believe and lust
if nothing else you’re the boss where this lust is concerned.
I write this in my Eighth grade binder and stayed seated a minute, chewing on the cheap bic inkpen. The words I wrote are even causing MY skin to crawl. Not crawl unpleasantly, but to tease and to tickle and to scan the surface with just the lightest of touches. Tingling. I close my diary and rise to seat it on its shelf in the closet, thinking I am childish for writing in a diary. My diary. My very OWN diary,so what ? . Then I think I am not immature, it’s just a very mature thing to do,most people don’t understand me.I smile with the satisfaction of a lithe young huntress and hear my diary clunk into place. I Leave my room looking confident, but knowing inside behind my beautiful smile that nothing is okay, there is something I seek, that I yearn for, that I need. I left the room looking like a silly young girl, who happened to be feeling the desires of a woman, but not just any woman. A man eater.
” Amen “
The bodies around the table chorused , including my slightly more frail one, making sure to pronounce it AH-men and not “A” men.I didn’t get why people did that. It wasn’t like toma”toe” and to”mato”and also it was annoying.Someone is saying things to me, or at me…about good girls that got good grades got nice cars. Internally I wrinkle my nose at all of this. Outwardly I smile and nod and retreat quickly from the room, my long skinny feet slapping the wood floor with hurried melody. I had to go home and find my black boots, because there was a party that night in the woods. I had wanted to look special. wanted to look beautiful and grown up and dark and mysterious, like the woman that every man wanted. I didn’t want to be high school prom queen.SO not glamorous. I wanted people to want me. Lots of people. I wanted the people too. I needed them. I wanted good people to think I was good . I wanted bad people to think I was bad. But most of all I wanted. I wanted everything, and I wanted it now.